This week’s DVD reviews based only on the synopses

By Brendon Lindsey
Tags: Daddy Day Camp, Desert Bayou, DVD reviews, El Cid, King of California, reviewing without watching, Rocket Science, The Comebacks, The Invasion, The Nines

I’m not exactly rich, and Netflix has slowed down tremendously since I’ve used the service for a few years. So instead of stealing every DVD out this week from Blockbuster or some kind, elderly Chinese man downtown, I’m just going to review this week’s major releases (that I haven’t seen yet) based purely on their synopses on Rotten Tomatoes. Let the fun begin!

Desert Bayou - After the horrors of Hurricane Katrina, hundreds of black evacuees were unwittingly transported to Utah, a state where only one percent of its residents were black in 2005. Featuring interviews with Master P, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, and Dr. Beverly Wright, DESERT BAYOU chronicles the experiences of those who escaped Katrina and were sent to Utah.

I can’t tell from the synopsis if this is supposed to be a comedy, documentary, or thriller. A sudden migration of black people moving to Utah, starring Master P? Just imagine it. There’s John Q Mormon sitting on his porch with his wives, when suddenly a large cloud of dust rises in the distance. What’s that he hears? “Uhhhhhh, na na na na”? Oh no! It’s that rascal Master P! And this time he’s brought hundreds of other black people with him! Just picture all the crazy scenarios and situations we’d get in this movie. I have no idea how Juno got the nod for Best Picture over this one.

El Cid - A widely acclaimed Hollywood spectacle which tells the story of the 11th century Spanish hero who drove the Moors from Spain. The restored version was overseen by Martin Scorcese and is uncut and remastered. Academy Award Nominations: 2, including Best Scoring of a Dramatic or Comedy Picture, Best Song (”The Falcon and the Dove”)

“Overseen” by Martin Scorcese? Did he actually have input, or just watch the editor cut random portions of film out? It doesn’t really matter though. Any film revolving around a Spanish hero (I assume Zorro) driving Jay Moor* and his family out of Spain deserves to be watched. I can tell his acting hasn’t improved a bit, though, since I’m not sure whether or not this fit in the dramatic or comedy picture field…

The Invasion - Academy Award winner Nicole Kidman (”The Hours”) and Daniel Craig (”Casino Royale”) star in the science fiction action thriller “The Invasion,” a nightmarish journey into a world where the only way to stay alive is to stay awake. The mysterious crash of the space shuttle leads to the terrifying discovery that there is something alien within the wreckage. Those who come in contact with it are changing in ominous and inexplicable ways. Soon Washington, DC psychiatrist Carol Bennell (Nicole Kidman) and her friend, Dr. Ben Driscoll (Daniel Craig), learn the shocking truth about the growing extraterrestrial epidemic: it attacks its victims while they sleep, leaving them physically unchanged but strangely unfeeling and inhuman. As the infection spreads, more and more people are altered and it becomes impossible to know who can be trusted. Now Carol’s only hope is to stay awake long enough to find her young son, who may hold the key to stopping the devastating invasion. “The Invasion” also stars Jeremy Northam (”The Tudors,” “Gosford Park”) and Jeffrey Wright (”Casino Royale,” “Angels in America”). The film is directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel (”Downfall”) from a screenplay by David Kajganich, based on the novel The Body Snatchers by Jack Finney. Joel Silver (the “Matrix” trilogy) produced the film, with Roy Lee, Doug Davison, Susan Downey, Steve Richards, Ronald G. Smith and Bruce Berman executive producing.

The behind-the-scenes creative team was lead by director of photography Rainer Klausmann, production designer Jack Fisk, editors Joel Negron and Hans Funck, costume designer Jacqueline West and composer John Ottman. “The Invasion” is a Warner Bros. Pictures presentation, in association with Village Roadshow Pictures, of a Silver Pictures Production, in association with Vertigo Entertainment. “The Invasion” has been rated PG-13 by the MPAA for “violence, disturbing images and terror.”

Any movie with a synopsis this long is trying to compensate for some shortcomings. I saw you in a tiny swimsuit in Casino Royale, Craig. Your comically big synopsis is fooling nobody, and reading that much made me want to not even write about it. Pass.

Rocket Science - Jeffrey Blitz (2002’s SPELLBOUND) directs this comedy that follows in the footsteps of teen outsider indies such DONNIE DARKO, THUMBSUCKER, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, and RUSHMORE. Set in New Jersey, the film follows Hal Hefner (impressive newcomer Reese Thompson) in his attempts to go through high school unnoticed. This is made considerably harder by his obvious stutter and inability to verbalize even the most basic statements, not to mention his thoughts and feelings. Bringing him no help are his strange and abusive older brother Earl (Vincent Piazza), his recently divorced parents, his mother’s live-in boyfriend, and his school’s inadequate speech therapist. When the school’s bossy, attractive debate champion Ginny Ryerson (Anna Kendrick) tries to recruit Hal as her debating partner, good sense tells him no but his hormones cry yes, and soon Hal finds himself confronted with growing feelings for Ginny as well as the looming humiliation of having to compete in the state finals.

ROCKET SCIENCE features a good cast of relative unknowns, who with the help of a solid script, convey the pangs of adolescent angst and the awkwardness of high school. The film treads familiar territory but does so well, sticking to the story and not getting too caught up in style. The film’s soundtrack, which features songs from Clem Snide frontman Eef Barzelay, perfectly matches its indie pedigree.

I’m not quite sure how you can connect Napoleon Dynamite, Donnie Darko, and Thumbsucker that easily. Why not say “this movie is as awesome as The Godfather, Jedis, sex, and Pizza Hut pizza!” or something? Not only do they just toss out names in order to get that hip college crowd interested, but if they threw any more references to being indie in there, I’d swear this was written by Zach Braff.

And am I the only one who finds the idea of this movie not only stupid, but offensive? So this kid stutters. Let’s all laugh at the stuttering kid while he has a crush on the hot girl who has to be hugely intelligent to be a master debater! And what kind of name is Eef? Eef and Clem doesn’t sound like composers; it sounds like two tag-team wrestlers I’d find at a small, east coast wrestling event.

See it so you can laugh at people with disabilities without feeling bad, I suppose. That’s gotta count for something.

Daddy Day Camp -

You know what? I’m not even going to bother. If you want to see this, God help you, and I hope you die a horrible death. I don’t even want to look at the synopsis. Watching that godawful trailer before every movie for two months is all the exposure to this I ever want to go through.

King of California - Michael Douglas gives a bravura performance in writer-director Mike Cahill’s feature-length debut, KING OF CALIFORNIA. Douglas stars as Charlie, a troubled musician who has just been released from a mental hospital. He returns home to live with his 16-year-old daughter, Miranda (Evan Rachel Wood), who is not exactly thrilled to have him back. Miranda has been forced to quit school and get a job in order to support herself and hold on to her beat-up old car and the family house, which is right in the middle of a new development–but she has refused to sell out. Instead, she works extra shifts at McDonald’s and has no social life.

But her father–still suffering from mental illness–insists that she join him on a wild adventure in search of supposedly long-buried treasure, and soon the two of them are combing through California, facing danger as Charlie leads them on a crazy quest that takes them through major chain stores and restaurants. Wood (THIRTEEN) is excellent as Miranda, walking that fine line between wanting to believe in her father and feeling he should be hospitalized again–but she never stops loving him, even against her better judgment. Bushy-haired and wild-eyed, Douglas shines every second he’s onscreen, dreaming the impossible dream. The outstanding soundtrack features songs by John Coltrane, Seals and Crofts, Bud Powell, Fats Waller, Yma Sumac, and Billy Bragg and Wilco

Who nominated Michael Douglas as King of California? Did you guys really let the state go that far into hell since I left? And who came up with “Douglas shines every second he’s onscreen, dreaming the impossible dream”? That’s some of the biggest BS I’ve read all day. Look, the premise of the movie alone is enough: Michael Douglass is a batshit insane musician that just got out of an asylum, then drags his drop-out daughter on a treasure hunting adventure through Wal Marts and Burger King’s galore. There. A one sentence synopsis that actually makes what sounds like a great movie sound appealing instead of desperate.

The Nines - John August, who has written such diverse films as GO, BIG FISH, CORPSE BRIDE, and CHARLIE’S ANGELS, makes his directorial debut with THE NINES, a complex, thought-provoking work divided into three sections and featuring the same actors playing different roles, with the number nine always lurking in the background. In “The Prisoner,” Ryan Reynolds plays Gary, a TV star who has been placed under house arrest after going crazy because his girlfriend dumped him. He is watched closely by Margaret (Melissa McCarthy, from THE GILMORE GIRLS), a publicist who seems to know more than she is letting on, and by neighbor Sarah (Hope Davis), who is instantly attracted to him. In “Reality Television,” Reynolds is a director named Gavin who is shooting a TV pilot starring McCarthy (playing a version of herself), but he’s getting mixed signals from studio executive Susan (Davis), all while being filmed for a television reality program. And in “Knowing,” Reynolds is Gabriel, the character in the TV pilot that Gavin was shooting, with McCarthy playing his wife, Mary, and Davis as a mysterious stranger deciding whether she should help the family, whose car has broken down on a deserted mountain.

Certain minute elements repeat in each part, giving clues as to what it’s all really about as fantasy and reality intertwine. David Denman (THE OFFICE) and Elle Fanning also appear in each section, while Dahlia Salem (ER) and Ben Falcone (McCarthy’s real-life husband) play themselves within fictional worlds. THE NINES is a fascinating exploration of art and character that, of course, runs 99 minutes.

First off, I’m impressed at the guy’s variety in writing. Go, Big Fish, Corpse Bride, and Charlie’s Angels? What’s next, a tale of love and honor set during the Holocaust?

But no pedigree can save you from what sounds like psychodravel bullshit, Mr. August. This is exactly how this movie got written: “Dude, I want to make a movie that college kids and film elitists will love because it has a constant theme throughout.” “Oh, what’s the theme? Death? Love? Talking rabbits?” “The number nine!” “…”

I haven’t seen this, but I know my friends who love it, and my friends who hate it. If you knew them, you’d probably think this is an overrated movie loved only for the sake of appearing intelligent, too.

The Comebacks - A satire in the vein of EPIC MOVIE and DATE MOVIE, THE COMEBACKS, directed by Tom Brady (THE HOT CHICK), tackles the conventions of the inspirational sports movie with jock-like gusto. Led by washed-up coach Lambeau Fields (David Koechner), the losers of the title attempt to become a winning football team, while referencing a dizzying array of athletic-oriented films from Hollywood history, ranging from ROCKY to RADIO–the latter shamelessly parodied by a hapless, mentally challenged character named iPod (Jermaine Williams). Gleefully goofy in its send-ups of sports movies, THE COMEBACKS revels in broad slapstick humor that perfectly suits Koechner, who is perhaps best known as the obnoxious Todd Packer on the TV series THE OFFICE.

(Koechner’s fellow OFFICE mate Melora Hardin is also present, though the show’s downbeat, quirky humor is notably M.I.A.) Other actors in the mostly unknown cast include real-life former football star Carl Weathers (the ROCKY films and, of course, ACTION JACKSON) and Matthew Lawrence, the brother of Joey Lawrence, who plays a quarterback with distinctly non-macho tendencies. Boasting comedic moments as subtle as the school bus that plows into a character during one scene, THE COMEBACKS doesn’t pretend to be sophisticated–it happily indulges in its lowbrow status, making for an enjoyably guilty pleasure

For the love of God, WHY would you tell people your movie is like Epic Movie and Date Movie? Jesus, people! Don’t you know ANYTHING about marketing? And why the hell are you spending what appears to be a significant portion of the movie parodying Radio, a movie that was subpar at best? iPod? Is that the creative genius at work? “LOL, dude, remember radio! Lets make it but name him IPOD! LOL!” Fuck you guys who keep making these movies. Seriously.

And fuck the person who wrote the ending line. “An enjoyably guilty pleasure” would be killing the people who made this movie. Watching this movie would be “An unenjoyable trip to the deepest depths of Hell, where your innocence will constantly be violated by dozens of pock infested Nazis.” That’s what watching this movie is like.

(I assume.)

Of the movies here (none of which I have seen, hence why this is being done) I’d have to say that based on the synopses and my quick 1 minute impression of each, King of California is the one to pick up this week. Desert Bayou comes in second, only because it’s either a hilarious black comedy (in the humor way, not the race way) or a depressing reminder of a horrible event that ruined thousands of lives. If it weren’t for that second possibility…

If you rent or buy Daddy Day Camp or The Comebacks without intending to watch them as part of a drinking game or on a bad movie night, screw you. You’re what’s ruining the film industry. That’s right, it isn’t piracy–it’s you, Kurt Gosch.

*I’m well aware it’s Jay Mohr. I just can’t resist a chance to poke fun at that guy.

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