Impromptu Cinema 1: Elephants + stomping + America = blockbuster

By Brendon Lindsey
Tags: awesome, film pitch, ideas, Impromptu Cinema, Rosie O'Donnel

I’m going to make it a weekly thing to come up with some random plot/backstory for a movie, and then three film ideas based on that. With all of the crap out there today, even the worst things I can come up with are better than half the stuff coming out. Still, expect some great ideas which would easily compete for a Best Picture nomination.

So if you’re in the film industry, animate stuff, or are even taking a film class in high school and want to use one of these, just let me know and we’ll work something out. (And don’t forget to tell me how awesome the idea is, and all that usual stuff.)

For the first installment, I present an idea I had a few months ago, originally written for an adventure game a friend was working on. He decided to take a job with a high profile mod instead of making his own game, and rather than let it remain unused, it’s kicking off my weekly Impromptu Cinema. Hit the full story for the backstory and then the three ideas.

First, here’s the back story on the film. This is the same regardless of the direction it’s taken in.

The story takes place in a future version of America where all capital punishment is carried out by the punished being crushed to death by an elephant. Naturally, there are many changes that society goes through due to this drastic change.

This policy is chosen after it’s theorized that this is the only humane form of capital punishment. It is originally supported by a few groups including Republicans, because they think having elephants crush murderers will make them appear to be tough on crime, and PETA, because they think crushing people makes elephants really happy. Soon though, the entire nation falls in love with the idea of elephants crushing murderers. Or just crushing anyone.

Of course, it takes many elephants to implement this policy and elephants are forced to be breed at an astounding rate. Impressed by elephants’ sudden fertility, the citizens of America attempt to reproduce as much as the elephants creating an overpopulation problem. To counteract this problem, criminals can be sentenced to death for more and more crimes. Sentenced to death by elephants of course. Then, of course, more elephants are needed and their breeding increases, which leads to even a larger population increase as the solution recreates the problem.

Occasionally, the elephants will go into an elephant rage and rampage through towns, killing people. No one really cares though, because they hope to witness an elephant crushing anyways. Besides, most of the people they kill are guilty of petty crimes that can be punished with the death penalty.

Due to the large demand for elephants, the job of elephant breeder becomes one of the most influential jobs in America. Under their influence, every state in the union accepts crushing by elephant as the only acceptable form of capital punishment.

Elephant crushings have other impacts on American culture. For example, a few fringe American theologians hypothesize that Christ wasn’t killed on a cross, but rather he was crushed by an elephant. Eventually, American Christianity accepts this form of Christ’s death. As America is largely the only country to embrace killings by elephants, the Catholic Church never accepts this, and anti-Catholic feelings in America increase. Also, a new form of stigmata becomes increasingly common in America. Instead of bleeding hands and such, the victim’s chest becomes miraculously crushed. Unfortunately, there are very few survivors.

And now, for the pitches!

1. The Whacky Animal Adventure

The older elephants and lead of the Stomping Committee are trying to teach young Josef how to trample and stomp people as his fathers and grandfathers have done before him. Unfortunately, Josef has no desire to stomp and kill: he wants to dance! The young elephant (voiced by Shia Lebeouf) goes against the wishes of his father (voiced by Michael Caine) and runs away from home, to pursue his dream of dancing. This leads to the elephants making him an outcast, and in this new stomp-happy American culture, no one is willing to take care of an elephant with no desire to stomp.

Basically, it’s like Happy Feet, but instead of CGI and animation we’ll have live elephants dancing on puppeteer wires.

2. The Conspiracy Thriller

Things have quieted down since the elephant stomping took off… Or have they? Elephant-breed-in-training Jeff Goldblum realizes one day while at elephant breeding school that something doesn’t seem right. Every now and then, he can swear an elephant is watching him… Probing him… But that’s just silly, right?

Wrong. Goldblum tells his fears to his instructor, and what begins is a conspiracy thriller Dan Brown would kill to write. Goldblum learns that there’s more to this whole movement than the government just okaying it. In fact, the government is controlled by elephants, and they’re slowly starting to take control of all the major world governments! With the elephants on to him, Goldblum is in a race against time to find which world leaders are really elephants, and take down The Elephant King before they accomplish their mission of stomping the entire world.

There’s also a scene where he’s running from an elephant stampede along with sexy co-star Kate Beckinsale, screaming at her “You must go faster!”

Another example of dialog: “Mr. Scientist,” the president asks cautiously, “Do you have any experience of dealing with dangerous creatures of this size?” Jeff Goldblum replies, “Not mammals, no.”

Genius!

3. The Random Artsy Piece People Will Like Because They’re Supposed To To Look Smart

Monsieur Rigou is a shopkeeper in downtown Paris. One day he decides to go against his family’s wishes, and move to the US where he plans to start his own shop. Arriving in the US, he finds that the elephant stomping craze has only just begun, and he has no idea what the hell is going on. He befriends a small, quiet child with glasses, and together the two walk around streets talking about stuff ranging from indie music to the concept of death.

Then at the end he gets stomped by an elephant for being French.

There you have it! The three ideas for this week. Maybe next week I’ll actually animate some sort of flash video and do it that way. What do you guys, think?

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